SERIOUSLY HAPPENED!

As per the request of my sister (who delights in my Murphiness), requested that I post my top three positives of the day....

So here are my top three for yesterday. As Letterman does, I will countdown...

3. Didn't burn his pants
2. At least the dryer still works.
1. There wasn't really a fire

Forewarning...This is probably gonna be one of the longer posts, so if you have no patience to read this just skip to ultrasound it is the highlight.

The Elaboration

I must back up to Sunday in order for you to understand where the beginning really began. I spent several hours at a friends house assisting with kitchen detail, cooking Chicken and Dumplings, nesting, watching True Blood season 1 and crocheting. Well she crocheted, but I spent three hours un-knotting my yarn. Then went home and Morgan and I stayed up until midnight finishing this twisted spaghetti mess. At one point we had yarn weaved from living room to animal room (the kids and creature room) and back. It looked like the trick where you weave the yarn between your fingers; have someone place their hand in and then pull and it never touches their wrist. POINT: Stayed up to MIDNIGHT!

Now yesterday after the late night of knottiness; I awoke to the first alarm at 5 am and due to the snoring beast lying next to me, NEVER went back to sleep. Apparently this was a bad thing and I was an ogre. As I do every morning I go into the laundry room to change out yet another load and the washer is full of water and clothes, but nothing is working. Well crap, have to jack with that later because the oh so sweet husband asks that I iron his pants...so what happen to doing that during the football game Sunday. Whatever! Being the awesome person that I am I conceded and ironed, got the kids out the door and hustled to get ready for the highly anticipated MAMMOGRAM AND ULTRASOUND...HOoorah!

Of course, I can never do anything without issue...it is the whole reason for Murphy. I get behind every super slow vehicle with one or both taillights missing! Patience is already shot; annoyance on max. Finally get to hospital and low and behold I am in the WRONG building. Shocker at this point, right? So take the nice jaunt to the opposite side of hospital campus and go to the (say it with me) WRONG SUITE (thanks to the receptionist...got written proof on that). Eventually get to the correct suite...2 later and sign in. This suite receptionist does not greet me at all, but looks behind me to the woman who had just sat down to situate her keys into her purse and place under chair before attempting to sign in and says, "I'll make sure to sign you in first." Yes my jaw dropped but I just held my tongue (shocker again, I know) and wait to be called. This took 2 minutes Hooray, but wait they needed to re-verify my insurance, huh? So an hour and a half later and $347, paperwork is completed and I am whisked right back to the changing/locker room. 2 minutes later make a cup of coffee sit down, open book and called back...starts looking better.

THE MAMMOGRAM

Now for those of you who have never had the pleasure of the mammogram, the horror stories ARE TRUE!!! They have this huge machine in the middle of an ice cold room that stands about 7 feet tall. Then there is a the section that looks innocently enough and is basically a platter for your boob to sit on and then above it is another tray, only plastic with numbers upon it placed in one inch intervals. When your boob first placed upon this platter it is in the lower number category. However, when the plastic tray is deployed down and you are now stuck and have reached the higher numbers...yeppie I got some 7 inch ta-ta's right? Hell NO! We are not men, we don't care! If the plastic vice grip is not uncomfortable enough, they have you stand in funky positions and the plastic "sneeze guard for the camera" comes down to your neck and you have to lean your head back in a highly uncomfortable position, hold your breath and be sure not to move or the whole pancake ceremony will have to be REDONE!

THE ULTRASOUND

Since my breast are dense (buoyant) as are most women's under the age of 35, I was required to have an ultrasound. Yes this is the same thing as when you are pregnant and they put that warm slimy clear gel (that looks as if it is the same consistency of snot) all over my left breast and begin the knot hunt. Half-way through this, the ultrasound tech asks me to turn onto my left side. In an attempt to comply I pull myself up on my left elbow and begin to flip. Well that thing that large breasted women always tease about (but don't ever expect to really happen) REALLY HAPPENED. My right overly snot covered slimy boob slaps me across my face! It was this slow motion horrifying event. It slaps me in the side of my head. Gel gets in my hair and oozes into my ear, slides across my jaw, cheek, corner of my mouth and down my neck! Besides being dumbfounded, grossed out and holding back the gag reflex the nurse giggles. Yes giggles and grabs for an extra towel for which she places across the side of my face, surely so I cannot see her additional giggles from my glistening face. This is one of those surreal moments where you are wondering if this truly just occurred or not. IT did. So as I am desliming my face she finishes the ultrasound on that breast and wants me to flip back over. Are you kidding? However, I have wised up and kept the towel over my face until I was back in the requested position. She proceeds to squeeze half a bottle of the goo onto my right breast and the fire alarm goes off. Flashing lights, announcements, knocking on the door advising us to evacuate. Holy cow, seriously? Really? -- Oh yeah, I sit up and my newly jellied boob begins to rain with clumps of goo onto the sheets. Oh Joy. This is when my laughter begins. The whine-laugh-laugh-whine in limbo noise. I put back on the skimpy -little-2-button-6-inches-apart-half-gown and hospital robe thing as the nurse throws two clean sheets over my shoulders and we are evacuated to the parking-lot! Now apparently these 2-snap buttons widely spaced apart are gapeing open because part of the shirt is stuck to the goo-ed breast. I look up and there is a gentleman on his cell phone who does a double take, 90 degree turn to left and to right trying to determine which way to go George, and completes with a 180 and hasty walk to the other side of the parking lot. 10 minutes later, fire department gives all clear and we are able to complete the highly exciting ultrasound. Doctor did walk in and say "those weren't your breasts". HUH? Then explained that my prior records provided by last doctor were not mine and someone else's. Whew, I was wondering what the hell had just slapped me in the face 20 minutes prior, glad that was all clear.

Called mom and sister to apprise them of adventure, mom was concerned about WHY I was there, sister about peed on herself. Took mom's advice, went home touched nothing crawled in bed and remained there until 5 pm when I got up and made additional pot of Chicken and Dumplings for another neighbor and back in bed by 11!