The Talk

3. I did not go into convulsions
2. Kept calm
1. ...


The Talk

So for those of you who have pre-teens better referred to as "Tweens"; be prepared because the talk is coming much much sooner than you can imagine!!!! I was only laughing at a friend of mine several months ago as she told me she was having to handle this conversation with her step-daughter. Yeah, so I called her to talk me off the proverbial ledge! She laughed and told me, "YOU SUCK"! She is completely, totally 100% correct! I do. Oh well.

To back-up a little, my ten year-old came to me at 9:30 p.m.(four days ago)and informed me of some of her development issues and questions she had. My internal reaction was yak-yak, HOLY $#!&. My external reaction was, "well, um, I, um. Do you HAVE to know right this second?" My eyes were bugging inquisitively out of my head like a Roger Rabbit cartoon character. Luckily she eased my anxiety with, " NOOOOOOO! not yet MOOOOOM! I just want to know because of..." My anxiety lessened and the chicken in me strutted forward and asked, "if, like you don't need to know like this minute, can you give me until tomorrow to pull myself together from the shock of my baby growing-up, and figure out the best way to explain this?" I believe that it came out as one rather long word than a sentence, but she apparently understood the run-on. Her relieved little voice cheerfully said, "Yeah. Sure. That works." I proceeded to explain that we probably wanted to be somewhere where dad and brother were not inquiring as to our conversation. Wanted to prevent further trauma to the family dynamic. Seriously, dad would have fallen on floor in convulsions!

So she allowed me the opportunity of 2 days and then I had to pick her up early from school and spend the day with her answering her questions. UGH! I did just that. I picked her up from school got her into the car and then started asking her questions about what questions she had. Since we have already established I am a chicken; I looked up occasionally and peeked at her in the rear-view mirror. Yea, no direct eye contact! Bock-Bock Boooock!!! I am not sure what happened next, I think I have subconsciously blocked it from my memory! I could hear my hair turning grey, that much I remember. UGH! However, once we completed the first several round of questions, I broke it up with a quick (slightly prolonged) trip to Target to purchase necessities for a school emergency kit, trash can with lid for powder-room, and Excedrin Migraine Medicine (for me of course). Then back in the car and rapid fire questions began, I again became robotic in my answers and remember NOTHING. Finally the questioning came to an end. Whew!

Then she laughs a little and says my friend so-in-so had THE TALK on Sunday. Daughter-in-the-backseat-say what??? (So I quote Hannah Montana)

Ohhhhh noooo, we were totally set up for that! Kids!!! Mental note, call so-in-so's Mom to see how torture went and tattle on girls! Yes, it made me feel better. So-in-so's Mom and I compared notes, both wishing we knew the other had been set-up so we could have dumped the whole thing on each other in order to avoid the uncomfortable squirming we both had the pleasure to endure.

Finally to add insult to injury, the original friend who laughed and told me I sucked, decided to drop by to see how it went. As I was headed to the door my daughter said, "maybe you should ask her how to explain everything, you know since she has done this already and she works for the Pharmacy and stuff." I was trying to keep my eyes in my head. "What do you mean by that!?!? Never-mind." Apparently my years of experience in these matters means nothing and I. Am. A. Complete. Idiot.

Well my friend looks at me with that "oh great!!" look upon her face. Yeah I really do "SUCK"...=) I forced my inquisitive little diva to question said, slightly bemused friend, the same questions she asked me. I answered all of them with the same/similar answers! Seriously, if she was gonna have to do it in the end...why couldn't she have just done it from the start? Don't give me that parental obligation spew. I want a real reason.

UGH Teenage years are coming. I am sure more blogging will be required in the future to keep my hands from around the kids necks and a sure-to-be jail sentence. Lord, Help Us All!!!!!