The For Real: House-Wives of Texas

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5.  We have free will

4.  There are always at least 2 sides to every story

3.  Benefit of the doubt should be afforded to both sides

2.  All of the above don't apply to a group of women!!!!

1.  I apparently have a romantic ideal of friendship.....

Through-out my short life I have been blessed with great life-long friends!  You know those friendships that start because you are forced to sit at a table of all boys and one girl so you two become friends out of sheer necessity! Then after a couple of weeks you become inseparable whereby you are known as a single unit and no one really refers to you just as Amy or Jennifer but rather as Amy-and-Jenn or Jenn-and-Amy. You know what I mean.  Twins have a similar issue, but theirs is due to genetics, yours by choice.  These friends are the ones that you share everything with, from that box of tampons under the bathroom sink, your hopes and dreams, those inside jokes and moments that no one but you two know of, to those secrets that you will both take to the grave rather than ever repeat verbally. 

They are the friends that you know what they really mean when they say "I don't love that" iroughly translated means take that the F&#K off you look like a fat heifer! You must have lost your mind!  Or "that's cute" which translates to I am totally borrowing that one indefinitely. These mates derive great pleasure from your oh-so-graceful swan-dive-face-plow onto the sidewalk you involuntarily performed in front of the "guy of your (current) dreams".  The ones that that single moment of complete mortification begin to laugh so very hard they are crying.  One of them taking so much pleasure has lost her breath and does the stupid cross-legged got a pee-doubled-over with laughter look. You know with her ass stuck way out in the back like she is sitting on an invisible chair.  But abruptly, jolts up straight in complete seriousness and mortification announces she just peed on herself.  Ultimately, removing the focus of your face plant to her wet pants and then all of you join together to hide her ass and continue to laugh and cry hysterically. Then spend the rest of the night telling you how he really didn't anything. Don't pretend you have never been there! You know that of which I speak!!! =D

That being said, my dearest friends from my youth - you know who you are - you have tainted my perspective of true friendships!  You have done nothing but set me up for failure with all of my friendships as an adult!  Come on!  Did you have to be that fabulous?  I'm just asking.  Because I truly don't understand it at all.  I thought all good friendships were like those.  So apparently my dear friends; you have most definitely screwed me, but I love you still.

I mean take the bestest of the best. Everyone knows we refer to each other as "MY BITCH".   She is as I like to call her my Southern-Yankee.  We didn't really even become friends until our senior year in high school and we had lived literally 3 blocks from each other for 4 years before we ever had a true conversation.  We lived in a nice subdivision of a large suburb in the Houston area.  Our neighborhood had a community pool that was surrounded by a thickly wooded park.  My Bitch would sit out there on the park bench with her friends and smoke -- they looked super scary.  It wasn't until our Senior year when circumstances threw us together - frankly until then she terrified me!  Something we both laugh at now.  However, everyone else says we both terrify them - but they like to humor us.   Although she is not my longest running friend she is the bestest of the best - not because the others aren't as fabulous, but her and I had to take on some very strong challenges that we weren't necessarily ready for and none of our other besties could really relate to us.  As God works in magnificent and mysterious ways, he placed her and me in one another's lives to give support and strength when the other needed it. 

Almost every event in our lives since have paralleled each other. From the births of our oldest boys being 3 weeks apart to our girls being born within hours of each other on the same day.  We have shipped our husbands overseas albeit different reasons, but at the same time for the same duration.  Lost some of our closest relatives within days of each other.  Our friendship I can say is probably unique to most.

We seem to entertain people with our candid banter.  We were at her house for an event with mutual friends and her parents.  I in the kitchen and her on the couch.  She yells across the house, "Why are you being such a bitch today? Stop!" 

My reply, "Because you got to be one on Tuesday and it's my turn today."

She barely paused, "Oh yeah, I did have Tuesday. Okay."

"Thanks!"  I replied sarcastically and with a small giggle.

It took us a moment to take in the scenery around us, but apparently everyone was holding their breath in anticipation of something more intense.  Their heads were as if at Wimbelton and they all exhaled at the same time.  Followed by amazed awkward laughter.  That's just how we role.

Then there is the perfectionist.  She is one of the two longest running besties.  As with My Bitch, Perfection and I don't talk on a daily basis, but when we do, we rarely skip a beat.  She has always been a constant.  A constant pain in the ass....not really.  She has always been the voice of reason.  Unlike My Bitch and I, she is not as hot-headed.  She is logical, concise and meticulous.  She knows how to look at everything from a strategic perspective.  Although, she has not always able to relate to my given situation, she has never faltered in being there.  She is the first person outside my family whom I ever trusted to take my 3 year old son at the time, to stay the weekend with.  She loves to shop till she drops and loved to pamper my kids with great clothes and toys when they were younger - and we lived closer. Only something my great OCD friend can provide.  Don't let me fail to mention that she has impeccable taste in luxury bedding!  She truly missed her calling as a high-end interior decorator.

The third of the musketeers fell off the radar for a couple of years -  something about work and running after two young babies or something bogus like that.  Seriously though, this is the friend who's laugh is contagious.  Her laugh makes everyone laugh.  She can find fun and happiness in everything she does.  However, I have seen her mad.  Nothing sucks more than the windless silence that comes from her.  Luckily that was short lived and due to a serious misunderstanding with a boy.  When I think back on that tiff, it makes me giggle.  It is just like a tv scene out of 90210 or some teen series.  Some girl is talking to a boy about her friend and that moron tries to kiss her, she pushes him away and says no-way buddy and the friend walks around the corner in time to see the moron going in for the kiss.  Seriously!  The moron is still a moron because he really missed out on what could have been the love of his life....MORON!!!  Not to mention that horrific silence.  I digress...the point is that Tons of Laughs is someone all in or not at all. She is a true forever, whole-hearted, loyal and genuine friend.

Now as I said, these are my life-long besties that have set me up for failure. 

In the past I have blogged about this wonderful group of friends that I have.  Although I am not saying that this group is not wonderful; I am saying that is more qualitative than quantitative at this point.  So let me tell you how this has occurred....

Once upon a time, in a remote neighborhood in a small suburb....  So for serious now... It started with a group of 13-14 women. Yes I know, many of you have already sighed and said "Ahhh!" Well good for you!  If I would have said that you would not have much to read. But no, I am an idiot.  As I was saying before your sighs of comprehension interrupted.  Originally, this was a group of neighborhood women that got together to have a good time and provide a reason to get away from home, husbands and children. It was a blast. We had the best time, drinking, laughing, and playing spoons.  Well, I preferred to watch that deadly comedy.  There were a couple of casualties including an antique table.  However, the entire dynamic changed when two of said great women had a falling out.  As I have explained, in my fictitious  world, I would never have imagined that the conflict between the two would be to the determent and disbanding of the group.  Yet, to my naive idealistic self, this apparently is not how the grown-up world works. 

It seems what one learns in elementary school truly does set a foundation and prepare one for all future relationships.  It seems that the rule of  "I can't be your friend because you are friends with so-n-so" applies universally to both young girls and adult women.  My idea that we should provide everyone the opportunity to present their side of the story doesn't work in the adult world either.  It is a mythical ideal imposed on society and the legal system.  The second misconception I seem to have is that we are all strong individuals with the ability to make our own decisions. Yeah, that’s false too!  Nothing like  the vehemently professed and swayed one-sided twist on things to gain the support of many.

Now to be fair, I must admit to my part in this.  I am not an innocent.  However, I very very quickly realized my egregious error and was the first to offer a white flag.  That is after I did the jump-to-conclusions game. After my brief of blatant ignorance I decided that both women deserved the benefit of the doubt. To me this sounds extremely reasonable and what a normal prudent person would do. But we did just establish that I'm an idiot in these matters. 

Now I heard the perspective of the Girl A, I had agreed that I would have been offended too and probably reacted the same way.  However, I had an accidental meeting with Girl B at a school event and extended our continued friendship we did not have a problem just because her and another person did.  That was for them to work out and should not dictate our friendship.

Over a series of weeks Girl B became more comfortable with me and volunteered her perspective.   I told her point-blank that they both handled the situation incorrectly and that the whole situation was that of misunderstanding.    So in my attempt to bring forth the exhiled Girl B's perspective to light, believing that everyone else knowing why all was done and how intended, that said situation would become less of an issue.  That was an enormous WRONG-O! 

The good intention was there. As Saint Bernard of Clairvaux has been credited with stating "the road to hell is paved on good intentions".  This is not just a proverb it is GOSSPIL TRUTH.  My intentions were to champion Girl B's perspective in a diplomatic and evenly presenting both sides.  Unfortunately for my dumbass I became a target too.  It was that I had drawn my line in the sand and chosen sides and therefore was completely against Girl A.  For real?  Yeah, sadly FOR REAL!

Thus began the beginning of the rift….

London Trip Day 1

3. I had a blast
2. Enjoyed being perpetually lost
1. Couldn't have asked for better weather.

I might as well start off by stating the obvious...I have defininely been slacking in my blog up-keep. In my defense, nothing too exciting had been happening since my "talk" with my daughter. Well nothing out of the ordinary argument between myself and my son as to whether homework and chores had been completed and to get off the XBOX; or the forever attitude of my pretween and her unfailing reminders of us knowing nothing and her wealth of knowledge on all subjects! Duh! Like, dang, Mooooommmmm! Don't cha know anything, really (sigh, rolling of eyes and pivotal turn on heel stomping out of room). Oh the joy of ensight into what's to come. I know my mother warned me about this, so I am suprisingly prepared for drama. Thanks for the heads up mom and dad!

London Bound 2010

Aside from my perpetual stupidity, my husband was preparing to attend a management training in London; therefore, I decided to pig-back on his coat-tails and crash the party. I booked a flight too! Whoop whoop!! Initially we were extremely excited about this adventure, just the two of us getting to spend some overdue quality time --at least in the evenings after his training classes. Well, as you know, everything in my life is affected by all things Murphy. Luckily, I have learned to embrace Murphy and find the bright side of the situation. It was definitely a challenge in the begining finding the bright side, but I have turned it into a craft. To continue...the week before we are scheduled to leave the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull (I cut and paste that insane name) decides to become highly active and spurts out volcanic ash that is then carried via wind and covers Europe. Shutting down all flights going in and out of London, Italy, Spain, Germany, etc. Well, of course they are to resume flights by Friday, April 23rd. HUH? That is the day I fly out. Heck no! I won't be a guinea pig test flight passenger!!! No way am I that insane. Crazy, maybe. Insane, not yet.

Well, as the week progressed of course so did the weather and the volcanic ash; thus, allowing some windows of opportunity for flights to resume by Wednesday. My cousin, who currently resides in Sweden with her husband and 2 kiddos, were scheduled to fly back to the states the same day, so we had Facebook communications and joking...she said, this was like being 9 months pregnant...you have to have your bags ready to go just in case. LOL. We did. When we first learned that our flight might possibly be cancelled, we were slightly disappointed. Then I began to think (yes, it happens on occassion) that I would prefer the trip be post-poned and we possibly rescheduled for the summer, that way we could take our kiddos. We could not take them initially because of state mandated testing they had to take the week we would be gone. Unfortunately, that dream was interrupted by the resuming of flights. Go figure, get your mind and heart set on a new scenario and then boom, back to the original. C'est La Vie or Que Sara Sara....your choice.

So bags are packed (last minute of course) and my husband and I are off to London. Now we have learned a little trick that makes traveling in Economy Class very comfortable and accomodating. However, it is a secret and should I share this tid bit of information it would no longer work to our benefit. How do you like that cliff hanger. I will share that for some reason every single time I travel I am randomly selected for a search. Murphy again. I got searched twice each time. Once when I initially went through security and the second time right before I entered the plane. LMAO. I find it slightly amusing, my husband on the other hand is slightly irritated that I am always and forever tagged. We have decided that it must be that I always look too happy getting on a plane. I love to travel, what can I say. However, I think that tends to be offensive to the TSA. I must learn to frown before getting on a plane. Problem is I have tried and I am always to dang happy to be leaving reality for a week or two that I can't stop smiling! So I guess I am resigned to enjoying my searches.

Of course once aboard we did enjoy our flight and had the best airline attendants ever! My husband of course, dreading the presentations and work ahead of him fell asleep quickly. I on the other hand broke out my handy-dandy Rick Steves Guide to London 2010 and started marking pages and also finished reading Water for Elephants an excellent read I might add. I finished the last page as we taxied into the Heathrow airport.

Since we left on a Friday evening we arrived early Saturday morning in London. Upon the advice of my husbands collegues we took the dart train from Heathrow to Paddington Square. However, being completely confused, tired and slight disoriented due to the hustle and bustle of the train station we decided a taxi would be appropriate. Plus lugging all those bags on and off the tube would be miserable! Now we happened to arrive in London the same weekend as the London Marathon and therefore we had to take a slight detour, but were lucky enough to have a taxi driver explain to us that he would not typically take us this route, but due to road blocks for the upcoming race we would be getting a slightly different route. Oh, by the way, you still have to pay the detour rate versus the straight shot. We were shocked, typically the cab drivers don't advise you of their detours, they just do it for the higher cab fare.

We were also extremely lucky to be in London when it was clear bright and sunny beautiful weather! According to an awesome tour-guide/ticket clerk for hop-on/hop-off bus with The Original Sightseeing Tour outside our hotel; we lucked into one of the two beautiful weeks they get during their summer season.

Back to arrival. We were privileged enough to stay at the Club Quarters on Ludgate right next door to St. Paul's Cathedral, the second largest dome in the world! It currently still dominates London's skyline! I loved waking to the bells of the cathedral in the morning.

So maybe someday in the future I will post more of my awesome trip, but life has been on ffwd since we got home. More to follow....

The Talk

3. I did not go into convulsions
2. Kept calm
1. ...


The Talk

So for those of you who have pre-teens better referred to as "Tweens"; be prepared because the talk is coming much much sooner than you can imagine!!!! I was only laughing at a friend of mine several months ago as she told me she was having to handle this conversation with her step-daughter. Yeah, so I called her to talk me off the proverbial ledge! She laughed and told me, "YOU SUCK"! She is completely, totally 100% correct! I do. Oh well.

To back-up a little, my ten year-old came to me at 9:30 p.m.(four days ago)and informed me of some of her development issues and questions she had. My internal reaction was yak-yak, HOLY $#!&. My external reaction was, "well, um, I, um. Do you HAVE to know right this second?" My eyes were bugging inquisitively out of my head like a Roger Rabbit cartoon character. Luckily she eased my anxiety with, " NOOOOOOO! not yet MOOOOOM! I just want to know because of..." My anxiety lessened and the chicken in me strutted forward and asked, "if, like you don't need to know like this minute, can you give me until tomorrow to pull myself together from the shock of my baby growing-up, and figure out the best way to explain this?" I believe that it came out as one rather long word than a sentence, but she apparently understood the run-on. Her relieved little voice cheerfully said, "Yeah. Sure. That works." I proceeded to explain that we probably wanted to be somewhere where dad and brother were not inquiring as to our conversation. Wanted to prevent further trauma to the family dynamic. Seriously, dad would have fallen on floor in convulsions!

So she allowed me the opportunity of 2 days and then I had to pick her up early from school and spend the day with her answering her questions. UGH! I did just that. I picked her up from school got her into the car and then started asking her questions about what questions she had. Since we have already established I am a chicken; I looked up occasionally and peeked at her in the rear-view mirror. Yea, no direct eye contact! Bock-Bock Boooock!!! I am not sure what happened next, I think I have subconsciously blocked it from my memory! I could hear my hair turning grey, that much I remember. UGH! However, once we completed the first several round of questions, I broke it up with a quick (slightly prolonged) trip to Target to purchase necessities for a school emergency kit, trash can with lid for powder-room, and Excedrin Migraine Medicine (for me of course). Then back in the car and rapid fire questions began, I again became robotic in my answers and remember NOTHING. Finally the questioning came to an end. Whew!

Then she laughs a little and says my friend so-in-so had THE TALK on Sunday. Daughter-in-the-backseat-say what??? (So I quote Hannah Montana)

Ohhhhh noooo, we were totally set up for that! Kids!!! Mental note, call so-in-so's Mom to see how torture went and tattle on girls! Yes, it made me feel better. So-in-so's Mom and I compared notes, both wishing we knew the other had been set-up so we could have dumped the whole thing on each other in order to avoid the uncomfortable squirming we both had the pleasure to endure.

Finally to add insult to injury, the original friend who laughed and told me I sucked, decided to drop by to see how it went. As I was headed to the door my daughter said, "maybe you should ask her how to explain everything, you know since she has done this already and she works for the Pharmacy and stuff." I was trying to keep my eyes in my head. "What do you mean by that!?!? Never-mind." Apparently my years of experience in these matters means nothing and I. Am. A. Complete. Idiot.

Well my friend looks at me with that "oh great!!" look upon her face. Yeah I really do "SUCK"...=) I forced my inquisitive little diva to question said, slightly bemused friend, the same questions she asked me. I answered all of them with the same/similar answers! Seriously, if she was gonna have to do it in the end...why couldn't she have just done it from the start? Don't give me that parental obligation spew. I want a real reason.

UGH Teenage years are coming. I am sure more blogging will be required in the future to keep my hands from around the kids necks and a sure-to-be jail sentence. Lord, Help Us All!!!!!